July 15, 2008
I posted this in my other blog and got a very positive response, so I'm sticking it here.. though keeping up with so many places to post is difficult, so it's doubtful I'll use this much longer. If anyone is interested, the newest one is at http://dangermarie.wordpress.com.


Gnothi Seuton.. Nosce te Ipsum

Words seem scarce these days. A lot of distractions filling my head, my hands. This is fun and that is rich, this is new and that is new again.
Sometimes I don’t talk enough and sometimes I find I am talking too much, saying nothing, filling empty space with the shape of a sound.
I’m wandering down the streets, finding nothing but dead-ends, crossroads, side streets that curve upon themselves, nothing productive, end in water.
Nothing in the water, I see my own reflection and as I watch - I see thoughts dart to the surface, tiny bubbles pop, but they are the kind you throw back anyway.
So instead I look at myself, the ripples distorting my features and I see everything ugly about myself, and I see beauty. I see them clashing.
I watch the battle in the waves, I want to wash it all away, good and bad, but as long as I am looking I will appear before me.
So I tear my sight away - I can no longer bear the sight of myself, not the bad, and not the good. I will save that for another day. I know enough for now.
I turn my eyes upwards instead, to branches waving in the breeze, and this I will watch, what mysteries will be unraveled here?
The leaves make patterns of the light, letting it in here, shielding it out there, ever shifting, nothing static, nothing ever static.
I see broken promises here, the ones I have made and the ones I have heard, I see mistakes and I do not want to look and I cannot look away.
The wind blows and there is a new pattern and I watch, but there is no more mystery here.
Another road ended. Where do I go from here? There is no map to my madness, no cryptic clues alongside the road for weary travelers.
I keep searching, for what I can not tell, for anything or maybe just contentment in the nothing.
This I have found along the path, this I have found as I was lost: all or none, and this I must not forget. All or none my love.
Gnothi Seauton inscribed on the entrance to my labyrinth, my temple. Know Thyself, said the Oracle, the crone, and so I shall continue.

I got this from someone else.. She got it from someone else..etc. The idea is to write random memories, leaving out names.. I cried reading hers, and I don't even know what most of them meant. Writing my own, I've laughed, cried, stared off into space as I fill in the blanks that I'm leaving out on purpose. What an emotional rollercoaster. I barely scratched the surface.


I couldn't tell if the boy beside me looked like a cartoon, with his saxophone and hooked nose that looked like a beak, or if I was just imagining it. I spent most of the day looking at the clouds anyway.

I snuck the phone into my room so I could talk to him, knowing I could get in trouble but not realizing the consequences for both of us.

I landed on my arm and it hurt, but I hardly cried and was surprised when the doctor said it was broken.

I knew what would happen that night if I went, and I've never been sorry. But I was still surprised when that guy yelled "Switch!" And I always laugh when I think about it.

I knew when I made him cry that I was going to leave him.

You were mad that I wouldn't pull my panties down.

I tore a page out of the book, the one that wasn't the Bible but it was about the bible, and as I set it on fire, the lightning struck nearby, and the old black man came out of the woods singing in the dark, and I thought I was going to die.

"You put mayonnaise in my hair!!"

She stood so that we would pass by each other when we danced, and she pinched me every time.

He was screaming at me, calling me a WHORE, calling me a BITCH, and I knew he would act later like nothing ever happened.

I was crying while I threw up, and I knew nothing in my life would ever be the same. And it wasn't.

I didn't think we would fall in love when I met you. I wasn't ready for it.

I felt really shy the first time you came to my house, because you were so pretty and everybody was so excited to see you.

The guy kept trying to make me kiss you, and he just couldn't understand why we wouldn't.

She told me the only way to be in the club was to have sex with your boyfriend, but I knew she hadn't when she told me I could be in the club anyway.

I never felt cool enough around her, especially when she played her music or talked about her other friends.

Nobody ever believed we were just friends, but I'm glad nothing more ever happened.

She grabbed me by the hair and hit me in the face, and I was numb with shock and surprise because I hadn't done anything.

He was so mad when he came home and saw that I'd gotten drunk with the boys and we had spraypainted graffitti in the attic.

I remember the first time you put the gun to your head.

We went camping, but we were in my family's house.

"You'll never be bad enough to make me stop loving you."

I didn't know what to do as I called the ambulance. I felt too small, too weak, I felt swallowed up by everything that was happening, and I didn't think I would be able to handle it.

I hid in the closet as they were yelling, trying to cover her tiny ears so she couldn't hear.

We were talking about having a seance, when something fell in the closet by itself. We never tried.

I checked to make sure the door was locked, and it wasn't, and when I turned back around, for just a second it wasn't my room. I almost passed out. I swore I'd never smoke pot again.

I held the radio close to my head, with the volume as low as I could turn it and still hear, terrified someone would catch me, but I just had to hear the music.

She read the same book to me over and over because it's what I wanted.

He swung and missed, hitting me in the mouth, and I sat in the grass crying while people I barely knew came to comfort me.

She laid her head on my shoulder, devastated and exhausted, crying because it was so unfair. I would have done anything to change it.

I drove past the house and they had painted it white, but it should have been yellow.

"You're so pretty." "No you're so pretty!"

She told me the "facts of life" in the dark, filling in the details my mother had left out.

We sat in line for four hours just to get gas, and I bought a paper from the man standing on the side of the road, and when I saw the pictures I wept.

I stood on stage and I sang, and I knew it was beautiful, and I was so proud.

When you got back in the car and the cops left, and we started to laugh, I knew we were going to be good friends.

They called my name after every subject, and I was glad when another girl shared an award with me because I was embarrassed to win them all.

I felt my face burn with shame as my name was written on the board, even though it was just a misunderstanding.

I thought they wouldn't notice even though it was infected.

My body was shaking as we knocked on the door of your father's house to tell him you were dying.

"Truth," he said, "with a capital T." And I cried and had to leave.

We passed around the Coke bottle like it was liquor, giggling like we were stoned, and we were all sober.

I grabbed your arm, made you look me in the eyes, and told you I was going to make you go home, and you stopped trying to fight the guy and kept dancing with me.

We all piled into the van and drove to New Orleans even though we had exams, ate beignets, and turned around and drove home.

I knew when you wanted to look at the rings in the magazine that you were going to ask me to marry you.

Well, if you're still paying attention, I'm still around.
I'm happy healthy and gaining wisdom every day. And peace.

We're going home today!

So. Since my last post, I've officially gotten engaged - ring and all. Eric survived Christmas with the family. He managed better than I did, since I once again fell apart driving around the coast. Is that going to happen every time I go home?
New Years was fun, we spent it with some friends in Memphis around a bonfire. Small and cozy. The boys had fun throwing explosive things into the fire and, well, exploding them.
We're down in Mobile right now ... sharing a hotel room with Eric's parents. It's not as bad as it sounds but it's not my favorite living arrangement, either. We may move here. I'd like that. We'd be near my family. But we don't have any friends here and that sucks.

I want a pet!
I'm also mourning the loss of my cell phone.. mostly because I can't get most of those numbers back and some of the pictures and videos on there were never uploaded. Boo.

Anyway I'm alive.

I can already tell that I'm either going to have to get a job or a membership to the gym. Otherwise I'll be sitting on my ass all night while Eric's at work and I'll gain a bunch of weight.

So.

We're living in Memphis now. I like the city so far and I'm looking forward to getting to explore it . Our house is cute and we're finally getting settled in. We moved completely out of the apartment in Jackson, so we'll figure out somewhere for me to stay when I go back to school. Tonight is Eric's first night on his new job. I've spent most of the night so far watching the Project Runway marathon. There's nobody here to object, and the dog can't say no.
I had a great birthday. I celebrated for a couple of days, like I usually do. It was pretty sedate though, nothing wild and crazy or anything. Eric and I went out to the casino and had dinner and we played one hand of blackjack and won, which was the first time I've ever won anything at a casino. We left after the one hand just so we could be sure I won.

Watching Bridezillas makes me terrified about planning my own wedding - which, if you didn't know, is tentatively scheduled for next July or August. Maybe instead of updating everybody about the boring details of my fabulous life, I should be looking at some wedding planning websites and figuring out what the hell I'm supposed to do.
Nah. I have the rest of the night.
I didn't realize so many brides still wear veils.
And I don't like red as a wedding color.
I told Eric it would be funny if I wore a black dress to get married in. He thinks I should dye my hair some funky color, too. Hahahahahahaha no.

He asked my dad for his permission to marry me. Dad was like "Well, I've never thought of Amy as a dumbass; I'm pretty sure she can make up her own mind." Then he said we could have whatever permission we felt was necessary. We had a nice trip down to the Coast after we went to Alabama so I could meet some of his family.
We fixed Eric's car and took it all over the place... from Memphis to Alabama, Alabama back to Memphis, Memphis to Jackson, Jackson to H'burg to see EmCat, down to and all around the Coast, back to H'burg-Jackson- ... got twenty miles from home and it broke down again. Haha. A few days after that, a metal bracket randomly fell off of his parents' Jeep while we were taking it to Walmart. This man has awful luck with vehicles. It's alright. I love him. And everybody knows that I just have bad luck in general.
Not so much lately. I'm happy. Everything is falling into place, and I'm starting to get used to the ideas of cleaning, cooking, budgeting money, all that adult shit. I got really tired of the party scene; I think that's come through in some of my previous posts. I like this existence that's domestic and comfortable. Of course it's not perfect, not completely, nothing is. But comparatively speaking, it might as well be perfect. All I had to do was stop fucking up and get away from the constant reminders of how I'd fucked up in the past. So here I am. And hopefully here I'll stay. Amy the little housewife. Trust me, it's at least as cute as it sounds. I'm going to start dressing like June Cleaver. Watch and learn. Or laugh.
<3.



(Christmas is in 10 1/2 weeks.)

Steve Irwin is dead.

I've been going through old notebooks, throwing out the ones full of stuff I'll never use again (Economics, Fitness for Life, Accounting) and tearing out the pages I want to keep (Lit classes).

I feel like I've wasted a lot of opportunities for self-improvement. Class became something to be bored through for an hour instead of a time to enrich myself.
I'm surrounding myself with things to learn from. Give me knowledge and let me find wisdom!

<3

This has been weighing on my mind for a few months, and now that I have the time to sit and say it the right way, I'm going to try it.

I'd like to say that the past year has been one of tragedy and triumph for me, but in truth the only real triumph is that I survived, and I can't even take full credit for that.
Last summer was supposed to be my last summer of carefree abandon, and I lived it up on the Coast and made a lot of new friends, didn't worry about much, and had a generally wonderful time. I planned on coming back to MC to finish up all the hours I needed by May.. and by now I was supposed to be looking for my first "career" job. A lot of my friends accomplished that. I didn't even come close.

At first I blamed my failure on the hurricane. It's true that it shook me terribly, but I used it as an excuse to medicate myself into oblivion, slipping into a depression that nearly cost me my life. I clung to my friends and they helped keep me above water and I can never express to them what they meant to me through all of that. Unfortunately, I can never express it to them because I didn't repay them with gratefulness. Instead, I continued to make stunningly bad choices that ruined nearly every aspect of my life, and I completely lost control of myself, my health, and everything around me. Saying that I lost control does not excuse me. If you know me, you know that the one thing I feared most was losing that control, and yet I did nothing to keep myself from ruining my life and my friendships.

My best friends watched me self-destruct and at some point my stupidity stopped hurting just myself and started hurting them, and I lost all I had left.

I don't blame you for not liking who I became. I hate who I became. I'm trying really hard to rebuild myself. I'm happy with where I am now, or rather with where I'm going. If nothing else, I'm learning to accept responsibility for all of my choices and to appreciate everything I have - and to show that appreciation. That includes taking care of myself. I stopped drinking, amongst other things. I'm trying to quit smoking cigarettes. I'm in a healthy relationship and he's one of the major reasons I've been able to make the changes I needed to make. I'm sorry you aren't here to see them. I'm sorry I pushed you away to that point. I don't blame you for not wanting to associate with the kind of person that I became. I don't think I'm that person anymore. I'd like for you to spend some time talking to me so you can decide for yourselves, but I understand if you don't think you can trust me. I love you.

I'm alive and happy.

When the whole world's falling apart, sometimes I get this overwhelming sense of peace and happiness that seems to come out of nowhere.
Christians attribute this to "the peace that passeth understanding" .. but if I don't believe, that must not be it at all.
It's beautiful, though, and it saves me.


Rock on.

Summertime and the livin's easy

Happy belated Easter.
It was another interesting holiday. I got the chance to sleep late, which I always enjoy.. I talked to a representative from both sets of parents, as well as one of the sisters. I went to JC's for a typical Sunday night, though it ended badly and I left early. Matt and I got into one of those weird awkward passive fights, but we're alright now. He worries and really I love him for that and wouldn't want him to stop, I just don't deal well with being surprised and I get defensive. When I got home and was all wrapped up in the midst of my devastation, ex-Eric sent me a drunken text message asking me to marry him. It made me laugh, because what else can you do? I don't really care. If my cell phone was ever not-dead I'd probably send random drunken text messages to people too. Actually, I've been getting lots of random messages and phone calls lately. It's kinda cool. Makes me feel remembered.
I have a terrific headache. Allergies I guess. Otherwise things are okay.

What it is, bitches!

I had a breakdown. I'm okay now.

Mostly.

If you don't know, I'm not telling. If you do, I don't need to.


We all had a reason to be there
We all had a thing or two to learn
We needed something to cling to
So we did.

I guess I haven't had an update with any substance for awhile. I think a lot of times I'm afraid of what I have to say.

I was dating a guy for awhile. It was probably the least comfortable relationship I've ever been in. None of my friends liked him too much; all of his friends thought I was a whore. It seems like if I really were the type to do all that, I wouldn't have hung around for another 2 or 3 months the way I did... but some people are only going to believe what they want to believe. They got that idea from the fact that I went out a couple of times with a guy, then decided we didn't get along so well so I stopped talking to him. Then when I met the guy I ended up dating, it turned out that he was casual acquaintances with the previous fellow, and word spreads.

After some tense moments, the relationship ended on mostly friendly terms. He was polite when I ran into him at the bar this weekend, although I think I solidified all of his doubts when I left with a woman. (I mean, nothing happened.. she was a friend of Matt's and we were going to hang out somewhere else, but I neglected to mention that fact to him just because I .. well, because I value shock.)

I learned some lessons from him. I learned that I shouldn't blow off my reputation, because some people actually do care. If a guy never asks me how my day was, or how work is or how school's going, maybe he doesn't care all that much. Jealousy and addiction are ugly. Manipulation is still not something I handle well; nor are guilt trips. I let myself be walked over too much and I pretend I'm okay with things that bother me sometimes, just because I don't like to make a fuss. I'm willing to give up things that are important to me if it will make someone else happy - not even happy, just content. These are lessons I need to take to heart.

I met another guy online just as things with ^ this fellow were ending. No, don't worry, I've sworn off the whole long-distance love affair thing. The last one was tragic and I'm still not over it really. Anyway, this guy lives in Tunica so he came down and kicked it with me and some of my friends. We like him. He's a whole different brand of guy from ^ that one. As in, he can carry on a conversation and he listens when you talk. Consideration.

I've been having an especially difficult time with my religious status lately. Part of it's because of this Bravo tv thing, which may or may not happen because we can't get or schedules straight. Another part is because Jessica's having a hard time with what her religious beliefs are, and that in turn made me question mine again. Both of us have come to the conclusion that we would really love to have faith in something, but we can't seem to find the strength to believe. That makes life at MC especially hard sometimes. No, you don't have to be a Christian to go to a Christian school, but you'd better keep an eye out for the lynch mobs. They seem to think that telling us we're going to hell is going to startle us into Christianity. That doesn't seem like a very good basis for faith.

I had a discussion with a guy from one of my classes outside today. He said he went through a thing where he was agnostic ("I said I was atheist, but I don't believe in atheists."), and he also looked into a lot of other religions and philosophies. His particular outlook was refreshing. I'd like to talk to him more - not necessarily just about religion, because he seems like a cool guy, but I'm especially interested in what his beliefs are.

My stepmom called me today and gave me two gifts. First, she gave me a little money "so I could buy myself a cute outfit." That in itself is a wonderful, timely gift. But bigger than that, I was able to tell her about the possibility of not graduating in May and she gave me the gift of being supportive and telling me to make the decision that I felt was best. I've been so afraid of disappointing them, because I know they're really looking forward to me getting out of school. But I told her it won't affect my life plans if I put it off for a semester, and if I do put it off I'll be able to pay for everything myself - which is very important to me. We shall see. It's just nice to feel that they won't be disappointed if that's what I decide. I hope she meant it.. I think she did.

Jessica and I spent most of the week leading up to Spring Break at Waffle House. We <3 WH.

Spring Break wasn't too terribly eventful, except for hanging out with our new friend from Tunica.

I've remembered twice this week why I don't drink very much at all anymore. Gross.

I got a little raise at work. My review was pretty decent. The only area I really needed improvement on, my boss said I've already improved on greatly since the review was started. That was heartening.

I miss home.

May.. whether I graduate or not, it's the end of something. The end of my full-time experience at MC, the end of friendships, the end of the way of life I'm used to. Every time "Time of Your Life" by Green Day plays at the bar, Matt and Jessica and I have a moment. And it just gets closer and closer.

I got a text from Eric a couple of nights ago. He said he misses me.. and the only thing I could think to say back was "Why?" We had a brief conversation in which we reminisced, wondered if things would be different now, and came to the conclusion that we're still at different stages in our lives, so maybe we wouldn't be better now. At least, that's what I got from the conversation. Still.. yeah, sometimes I miss the security that came from that relationship. Then again, I miss the security that came with faith in Jesus and God and Heaven, too. I guess you can't go back.

Now you're all filled in on how Amy is doing. I miss you.

Hold your hands up to the sky
and try so hard to rise above
But everything is beating down
Swallow the pill, and drink to the fill
All these things I carry now
In this bittersweet now

Well, what can I say?

Hours are better at work..
Some things are really good right now, some are really bad, and most are somewhere between adequate and mediocre. That's it.

Love me.

I did very, very well on that midterm. I don't know the grade yet, but I was extremely familiar with everything on it.
I can't find anything to wear and I have to go to work.
It's a beautiful day.
It's a beautiful life - now is it Trifecta or Triumvirate?

I have my first midterm today.
Asian Lit.
Bring it on.

I bought some clothes today.. Of course I utilized my stellar clearance-rack skills, and for just around $50 I got two pairs of pants, a shirt, a skirt, and a jacket. One of the pairs of pants was nearly $60 originally, so I think if I add up my total savings for the day, it would be close to $200. Hooray! And they fit and they're cute. So there. And of course it was cheering to buy clothes in a smaller size than I've bought since sophomore year of high school. I've never come home so happy from a day of clothes shopping.
I finally got to spend a Barnes & Nobles gift card that I got for Christmas, too. Bookstore days are always fabulous.
Yay!

It was another great day :)
My dad and stepmom sent me a non-Valentine's present. How stellar is that, really? And it had cookies but not chocolate. It was the most incredibly perfect gift they could've sent! I love them!
The French prof told me I look wonderful and said I should come sit in class today. She said she misses me. Awww! I miss her - but not French. I miss cutting up with Matt, and frantic study sessions 10 minutes before the exam where he tried his hardest to explain the difference between subjunctive and plus-que-parfait tenses. Okay not so much the study part, but it's a part of my life that's gone and I'm nostalgic, shut up.
Anything else interesting today? There was a funny incident involving the terms "hermetically sealed" and "avant-garde" ..
And yesterday there was the Tootsie-Roll debacle. Can't forget that. In part because Loic filmed it.
Last night was really nice, too. It was, much to my enjoyment, decidedly unromantic. We went to JC's, then the pool hall and hung out with some friends, then we left early because he needed to go home and go to bed because he started a new job today.
Now I'm refining my Winamp playlist for optimum afternoon listening.

Edit: Argh, I'm going to stop proclaiming a day as 'good' before midnight, because then Little Sister Death comes and does something silly to make it so that I can't give the day blanket praise. It was still mostly a really good day.

Blech.
I'm snobby about my peanut butter.
But Amy, you might say. You're poor, beggers ought not be picky.
Yes, I would agree, with a sad nod. But I would prefer the Saltine crackers (white and blue box) by themselves if my only choice was cheap peanut butter. Which it is.
Blech.

I shouldn't eat this late anyway. In fact, I'm going to bed.
Happy Valentine's day.

Addendum to the anti-VDay-rant. I DO like the candy hearts with messages, though I don't care about the messages and I hate the purple ones. If you want to give me some, I'll take them and smile for you and be your Valentine for at least 30 seconds. Yeah I'm a cheap sell, but the hearts don't cost much and I'm not giving up much of my time. If I'm going to be a sell-out, it might as well be for candy. And no, it doesn't guarantee a kiss. The more people you kiss, the greater your risk of meningitis. Doesn't anybody watch WLBT?
That being said.. I'd be Shaun White's Valentine. Actually I'd just like to make him, like, my little brother or something. He's so CUTE! I wanna pet his hair. I'd feed him. Cross my heart. I'd give him the whole jar of cheap peanut butter. And some crackers.
Amen.